


I Wonder

by Far_Away_From_Sane



Series: Maknae centric [4]
Category: K-pop, iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: 5+1, Angst, Chanwoo-centric, Gen, Protective Hyungs, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, hanbin is a good leader, team as a family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-14 20:31:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13597821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Far_Away_From_Sane/pseuds/Far_Away_From_Sane
Summary: 5 times Chanwoo thinks that Hanbin hates him and 1 time he knows he doesn't.





	I Wonder

**Author's Note:**

> Not proofread. Anyways, hope you enjoy! <3

1\.  They’re in the middle of dance practice and it’s a Saturday night way past midnight and Chanwoo knows he’s not doing well, because he’s the only one dancing while the others are taking a break on the sidelines; a well deserved break of course, but that doesn’t mean Chanwoo isn’t incredibly jealous. Hanbin is sitting by the mirrors, staring at Chanwoo with a cold and calculating gaze as he watches him move well but not well enough, “why’s your elbow angled, it’s a smooth move, not a sharp one, fix it!,” he practically hisses and takes a chug from his water bottle and Chanwoo’s gaze fastens onto his leader’s lips where the water is making his already plump lips look even plumper.

 

Chanwoo can’t tear his gaze away from the water and he feels his mouth water at the thought of the cold liquid easing the burn in his throat and lungs, he’s so distracted that he misses a beat and forgets to put his foot down which Hanbin absolutely doesn't miss and Chanwoo can see the anger rising in his eyes.

 

“If you’re not even going to try then why are you here?” the words are cold and they hurt more than Chanwoo would like to admit and he lowers his gaze to the floor, he’s exhausted and knows that he’s far too tired to actually make any more progress, but judging by Hanbin’s steel cold gaze he won’t be stopping anytime soon. So when the music starts over so does he but his moves are becoming more sluggish and his facial expressions flat, his breathing is heavy and if it wasn’t for the obnoxiously loud music his breaths would have been heard from miles away.

 

With how tired his body is it’s a wonder he even makes it through the dance without collapsing, but as soon as the song is over he does just that and he’s practically wheezing, trying to get air into his lungs to soothe the burn in his lungs. It takes a while for the wheezing to stop and when it does he’s just breathing heavily with his eyes almost closing, but since Hanbin hasn’t said anything about quitting, nor continuing, he looks up at his leader who’s frowning disappointingly at him. “Let’s continue tomorrow, you’re not getting any better,” he states matter of factly and Chanwoo lowers his eyes in shame at the leader’s words. Hanbin rolls his water bottle over to the younger boy and Chanwoo quickly grabs it and pours what little is left in it down his throat, it’s not a lot and Chanwoo wonders if Hanbin perhaps did that on purpose- but the reasonable part of him knows that’s not true, that the leader wouldn’t do that. But he wonders.

 

2\. The next time Chanwoo wonders he’s in the studio trying to sing his 7-second part but every time he does there seems to be a new problem with his singing, he’s too hoarse, or too airy, or too loud or not loud enough. It seems that no matter what he does it’s not good enough, and even the producer next to Hanbin seems a little too nervous to go against Hanbin’s orders for Chanwoo to repeat his part again.

 

The music starts again and Chanwoo listens to Yunhyeong’s part before his own comes and when it does his voice cracks pitifully from overuse and he practically curls in on himself in shame. Hanbin’s voice echoes in the booth as he tells Chanwoo to get out of there, and so he hangs the headphones on the mic and exits the booth with a heavy heart and sore throat. Hanbin’s staring at him like he wants him dead, and in that moment Chanwoo kind of wishes he was because at least death would be able to hide his shame. “Hyung, I’m really sorry,” Chanwoo speaks timidly and Hanbin looks him up and down and with disinterest, like he couldn’t care less about the younger boy’s apology and Chanwoo guesses that in some way that’s justified, he’s been doing nothing but mess up and he assumes Hanbin is pretty tired of him now; he is too.

 

“Go get something for your throat, maybe that’ll help,” he’s not even looking at him anymore and Chanwoo feels his face burning with humiliation as well as remorse for making his leader so disappointed with him. Nonetheless, he nods and tries to ignore the way Hanbin sags in his chair defeat as he leaves the room, why can’t he do anything right? Why must he always screw everything up and make it harder for his leader? He wonders.

 

When he gets back with a cup of tea in his hand Hanbin’s leaning over his notebook, papers barely hanging onto the back, and scratching over a line and writing a comment in the corner of the page, he turns and nudges the producer next to him who’s listening to what seems to be Chanwoo’s recordings, “I think we should give him the bridge instead, it’s easier,” Hanbin tells him and the producer takes off his headphones and looks over at Hanbin’s notes, “yeah, I think that would suit him better,” he agrees and Hanbin nods before going back to his notes and circling the bridge with a purple pen and writing Chanwoo next to it.

 

Chanwoo suddenly feels that his throat isn’t the only thing that needs a little comfort because his heart is killing him right now.

 

When Hanbin sees him he nods in his direction and gestures for him to come over to explain the new part to him and let him hear Junhwe’s example of it, and Chanwoo can’t help but feel like it’ll never sound as good as Junhwe’s demo; but however bad he feels it’ll go he nods anyways and puts the tea down but not without taking a final sip, just for some extra good luck.

 

3\. The third time he wonders they’re trying on clothes for their upcoming comeback both to see if they fit but also to see if they coordinate well and fit the song style, but it’s when Chanwoo’s trying to squeeze into a pair of pants that the cordi noona makes a sound and tsks, “those won’t fit,” she mumbles more so to herself than to Chanwoo but he hears her anyway. She seems to take notice of his disappointed look because she quickly reassures him that she’ll just get another size but by the time she’s leaving to get the other pair the others have already heard everything and Chanwoo can see out of the corner of his eye how Hanbin begins to move towards him.

 

“Hyung, I’m really sorry-” he begins but Hanbin holds up a hand to stop him from saying anything else and he snaps his mouth shut at the leader’s obvious order, “none of that,” he sighs deeply and drags a hand through his hair and Chanwoo can tell he’s mad but doesn’t want to show it.

 

“You can start accompanying Donghyuk to the gym, to shed a few pounds,” Hanbin says and Chanwoo takes notice of the fact that Hanbin doesn’t offer to go with him himself, he must be too disappointed in him, Chanwoo thinks.

 

He stares down at his shoes and nods quietly, he doesn’t want Hanbin to see the tears clouding his eyes, nor does he want anyone else to see, but most definitely not Hanbin, because he’s already embarrassed enough as it is and seeing Hanbin’s cold steel gaze grazing over him and picking apart his imperfections will probably (most definitely) make him cry.

 

When the cordi noona gets back she sees his bad moved and the other members around him and quickly lays the clothes on the chair next to her, “Chanwoo-yah, it’s really not a problem, it’s probably just your thigh muscles that have grown too big for the pants. Don’t worry too much,” she puts a hand on his shoulder and tries to comfort him but Chanwoo knows it’s not because he’s gained muscle because if it were that case Hanbin wouldn’t look at him so bitterly, he wouldn’t look at him as if Chanwoo has personally offended him.

 

They test on a few other outfits as well, and Chanwoo doesn’t have the same problem with any pants, but the thought still lingers in his mind and his mood is ruined for the rest of the day. Despite Donghyuk and Yunhyeong trying to cheer him up he finds it hard to crack a simple smile just because he knows that it’s entirely his fault that he’s in this situation, it’s not like they should feel sorry for him since this could have been avoided if he hadn’t eaten so much during their break.

 

When lunch comes he grabs a smaller portion than usual and eats slowly, making sure to chew every bite for longer than normal and to swallow almost every bite with some water to make him fuller faster, to him, it doesn’t seem like that big of an issue. But he doesn’t see Hanbin frowning at him in concern, he only sees a split second of Hanbin’s frown and immediately thinks that I’m still eating too much. He wonders what it will take for Hanbin to like him just as much as he does the other members.

 

4\. He messes up. God, he messes up so badly. His voice cracks pitifully while they’re performing at a music bank and he knows that everyone’s heard him as soon as it happens; of course, he can’t really be blamed because he’s been sick for the past week or two (it’s hard to keep up with the times when they’re promoting) and just yesterday he had next to no voice, so it’s no surprise that his voice is a little rusty.

 

When they get off the stage Jinhwan pats him on the shoulder and tells him to go and get some hot water or tea for his throat, but Chanwoo can’t help but look back at Hanbin to see the leader’s reaction and as soon as he does he wishes he could reverse his actions, because the leader’s face is grim and his jaw is tightly snapped shut

 

He knows that the others’ voices have cracked on stage before but he also knows that they’re much more talented than him so one voice crack per year is nothing compared to his eternal struggle with his voice, granted his voice has a different timbre and he finds it hard to sing higher notes since he’s not a sopranist, but he shouldn’t use that as an excuse to mess up.

 

He gets himself a cup of chamomile tea and a painkiller for his killer headache but when he gets back to their changing room he wishes he’d stayed in the small set up cafeteria a little longer because Hanbin’s frowning at him, probably disapproving of his cup of tea; he probably thinks I don’t deserve it, Chanwoo thinks and takes a guilty little sip from his paper cup. There’s nothing he can do now accept apologize because the performance has already aired and there’s no chance of taking it back, however, judging by the look on Hanbin’s face he probably doesn’t want to talk to the younger boy and Chanwoo doesn’t want anger him even further then he already has, so he decides to save his apologies for later when the leader has calmed down.

 

He wonders if he’ll ever stop disappointing Hanbin.

 

5\. They’re doing an interview the next time Chanwoo starts to wonder. The interviewer is a pretty woman around the same age as Hanbin leaning far too close to Hanbin whenever she asks him any questions, but Chanwoo can’t really blame her, she’s pretty and Hanbin’s definitely pretty, so if Hanbin didn’t hate him he too would be leaning against him every second of the day.

 

She asks the other members some questions as well but none as flirtatious or as invasive as the questions directed at their leader, but not a single question is directed towards him. Although a lot of questions are about him, albeit none of them are positive. It’s always, “do you still feel like you sometimes have to carry the youngest member on your back?” directed at Hanbin, “is it tough to have to act as a parent to the youngest member?” directed at Jinhwan, “do you still feel like they are some weak vocals in the team? Perhaps people that came to the team later,” directed at Junhwe and so on.

 

It’s like he doesn’t even have a name because he’s always called the younger member, he feels very pointed out but no one else seems to be noticing it or stopping it so he just lets it go. Until she actually does mention his name, and actually asks him a question, but it’s far from nice.

 

“Chanwoo-shi,” the woman begins and Chanwoo peers his eyes away from the back of Junhwe’s head to turn his attention to the woman, “do you ever feel like you’re bringing the team down? Not to imply that you do, but you must feel like your hyungs sometimes carry you on their backs, perhaps a little bit too much,” she’s not exactly smiling but Chanwoo can see the amusement in her eyes, she must really hate him, and when she smiles at Hanbin Chanwoo can see that he shoots her a small smile as well, he must really hate him.

 

“I...uh,” his brain doesn’t seem to want to work but he has to say something because he can feel all eyes in the room on him and especially Hanbin’s, and out of the corner of his eye he can see Jinhwan staring at him, perhaps he agrees, perhaps he’s just annoyed that Chanwoo’s having a hard time speaking, maybe he just wants them to move on from him. “Um...sometimes. I mean, that’s only expected, is it not?” he doesn’t dare to say more than that so he just shoots a question back at the interviewer who doesn’t seem to happy with his answer but takes it anyway before going back to questioning the other members. And Chanwoo goes back to watching the back of Junhwe’s head as the interview continues, but he pays it no mind because no one pays him any. The only time he speaks is when they’re saying goodbye to the interviewer and to the fans. And when they’re leaving he sees Hanbin look over at him, and he’s frowning again and Chanwoo hates it, hates it because it either means he’s angry at him or disappointed in him. And he doesn’t know which is worse. He wonders.

 

+1

 

They’re in the middle of a concert when Hanbin wonders if Chanwoo’s really doing as alright as he said he was because the younger is as pale as a ghost and his singing sounds strained. He had been coming down with a cold but no matter how many times Jinhwan or Yunhyeong told him he was on bedrest the maknae found some way to practice anyway whether it be in his bedroom or if he managed to sneak out of the dorms without anyone noticing.

 

And while extra practice is something Hanbin has always preached, practicing while sick is not; so when they stumbled upon their maknae in the practice room practically coughing his lungs up they forbid him from straining himself so close to their concert. But evidently, their orders had no impact;  which lands them right where they are now.

 

They’re singing an old song from their Mix & Match days when it happens, they’re all running and jumping around in joy full of energy when Chanwoo places his hands on his knees and tries to catch his breath. His vision is a little fuzzy and he feels incredibly warm all over, his stomach turning with every breath he takes but he knows he’s attracting attention and knows that he needs to straighten up and continue with the show for his hyungs and most importantly for the fans. But as he stands up his vision flashes white and he reaches out to grab ahold of something but it seems futile because they’re all spread out on the circular stage and so his hands touch nothing and he loses his balance.

 

The world begins to tilt and before he knows it his head smacks into the stage and his ears begin to ring, music fading out and being replaced by a constant hum. His head aches and his body hurts from the fall and he feels like he’s still falling, he feels weightless and stuck in endless motion.

 

The loud thud echoes in the stadium as the boy as well as his mic fall to the ground and it takes only a split second for the fans to begin screaming, and surprisingly Junhwe is the one who moves first. Quickly reaching the barely conscious maknae and trying to shake him awake by the shoulder, to no use as Chanwoo is complete elsewhere mentally.

 

Hanbin kneels beside the two younger boys and immediately begins to try and shake Chanwoo back to the land of the living but Chanwoo only groans before falling fully unconscious while the fans continue to scream, some of them in worry and fear and some of them out of excitement to have some new news to spread.

 

“We gotta get him backstage,” someone speaks up from behind Hanbin and Hanbin nods and quickly goes to grab the boy try and lift him up but Junhwe stops him with a shake of his head, “you’re the leader, you gotta take care of the fans too,” is the only thing he says before he and Donghyuk together begin to lift Chanwoo and drag him off stage to where a medical team is already waiting.

 

Jiwon places a hand on Hanbin’s shoulder as Hanbin lifts the mic to his mouth to explain to the fans that Chanwoo’s been sick and that he probably just passed out because of exhaustion but when he sees Yunhyeong wiping the floor with paper towels he catches sight of the red painting the white paper and he feels bile rise in his throat because he hadn’t even thought of checking the younger’s head when he was kneeling next to him.

 

When Jiwon squeezes his shoulder for him to continue he tears his eyes away from the paper slowly turning red to try and calm the crying fans, “we only have one song left but I don’t k-” just then Junhwe’s running up on stage again quickly followed by Donghyuk and they hurry over to the leader, “they said to just continue,” is what falls out of Junhwe’s mouth and Hanbin doesn’t know what he was expecting, it’s not like they can just cancel everything just like that but he would have at least expected some information on the maknae’s condition.

 

He nods, his face grim, and turns back to the crowd, “next up is Rhythm Ta and it’s our final song, we’re sorry that Chanwoo can’t join us so in honor of him, how about you sing his part?” he shouts into the mic to hide the waver in his voice and the response is immediate, thousands of fans shouting back ‘yes’ and cheering for them despite the solemn mood still hanging over them.

 

They have no more time to ponder over what has happened because in the next moment the music begins and they’re taking their positions, leaving Chanwoo’s spot empty.  They sing and dance and rap half-heartedly but still to the best of their ability but when it comes to Chanwoo’s part they all lower their mics to hear the fans shout back at them, it’s not much since he only has ‘nanana’ but it’s Chanwoo’s line and that means something to them.

 

The song ends after what feels like an entire hour to Hanbin and they thank the fans heartedly trying to at least sound like they don’t want to rush off the stage toward their maknae. But most of the fans seem to be understanding as they’re waving goodbye to them and shouting ‘I love you’s and other compliments after them as they leave the stage.

 

As soon as they’re backstage they’re heading to the changing room and despite already seeing him up on the stage, Hanbin is not prepared for the condition the maknae is in, he has a bandage to his head and an ice pack against his arm as well as an IV in his arm, but despite all the movement and equipment around him the maknae is sleeping right through it, but Hanbin guesses that might be because he’s drugged out of his mind right now.

 

“He really outdid himself this time, that stupid kid,” Jiwon mumbles as he looks at the maknae’s pitiful state and he hears Jinhwan chuckle slightly because yeah, he really outdid himself this time. Sure he’s gotten sick before and hidden it from them and practiced with a sore throat but it’s never gotten this bad before.

 

Hanbin’s about to pull out a chair and sink right into it when Chanwoo lets out a groan and turns his head to the side, eyes slowly blinking open, hazy and glazed but open nonetheless. Hanbin abandons his chair to hurry over and kneel by the younger boy who seems thoroughly confused as to where he is, “hyung,” he mumbles tiredly and Hanbin reaches up, careful of the bandage, to stroke the stray hairs away from the boy’s forehead.

 

“Hyung I’m…” he trails off at the end and his voice gets so quiet that Hanbin can’t catch the words and he asks him to repeat them, “I’m sorry,” Chanwoo says, this time his voice is clearer and steadier and Hanbin blanches, “why are you sorry?” he asks carefully as to not startle the hazy maknae, but it’s hard to get any connection with the younger boy because he seems to be doing the most to avoid Hanbin’s eyes at any cost so Hanbin decides to risk it all and grabs a hold of the Chanwoo’s jaw.

 

“Yah, what are you sorry for?” he questions a bit more forcefully but not unkind, but perhaps he should have known better than to immediately throw his questions at the already sensitive boy as soon as he woke up; Chanwoo’s eyes start to tear up and Hanbin panics, naturally.

 

“Hey, I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he mumbles to ty and comfort the younger but that only seems to make him even sadder because soon he’s shedding full tears and swallowing quiet sobs and Hanbin looks around at the others, mostly toward Jinhwan and Yunhyeong, for help which they thankfully grant him.

 

Jinhwan pushes him away and tells him to go sit somewhere else while he tries to comfort their maknae and Hanbin does so begrudgingly while trying to figure out why Chanwoo seems so comfortable around the older, hell, even Junhwe, more than he does with him. Granted he hasn’t been the absolute nicest at all times, but he scolds the other members as well and they don’t seem to avoid him like Chanwoo does.

 

One incident he can think of where he was being unfair is that time in the practice room where he was running on two hours of sleep and an energy drink and several cups of coffee, he had been unusually mean that day and when he thinks back to it he remembers that he hasn’t apologized for it; but surely Chanwoo isn’t still hung up on that? They’ve had hundreds of dance practices since then and he hasn’t been that mean at any of those, both because he’s generally healthier and more awake now that he’s not sleeping two hours and solely relying on drinks to keep him awake, but also because of the scolding he got from Jinhwan after they ended their practice session. The elder had not been happy with Chanwoo’s treatment and Hanbin has since realized his faults and tried to correct them.

 

But it’s been months now of Chanwoo avoiding him and barely talking to him other than to be the messenger for the other members and Hanbin’s tired of it, he knows he’s not the nicest nor the most patient person in the world, but he isn’t cruel.

 

He thinks back to the times when Chanwoo’s looked the saddest around him, and the first thing that comes to mind is that time in the recording studio when they changed his part from a bit in the second verse to the entire bridge, he and the producer and both noticed Chanwoo struggling with the part and decided that the bridge would fit the maknae’s voice and capabilities better, he hadn’t changed it because he’d been doing badly, not really. It just wasn’t right. His voice had been fine and the verse had sounded okay, but he wanted a part for the maknae that would enhance his voice and really showcase it, so he’d give him the bridge instead. And now that he thinks back to it he realizes that he never really explained the reasoning behind it to the boy, so it could easily have been interpreted as a final resort because he was singing so badly. But he hopes that isn’t the case because Chanwoo is in no way a bad singer, not by a long shot.

 

There was also that incident with the pants that didn’t fit. He remembers how the maknae’s face had fallen as he realized that his old size didn’t fit and he also remembers how Chanwoo had avoided his gaze like his life depended on it. But the truth is, Hanbin had been so worried for the younger boy because of the swarm of anti-fans; none of the members cared, that’s for sure, they didn’t care that he had gained a few pounds, hell, Hanbin wouldn’t care if he gained five kilos. But the anti-fans would have a field day with that and Hanbin couldn’t let that happen, knowing himself how much hate can hurt and how sensitive Chanwoo is, even if he doesn’t show it.

 

But he supposes it could have been interpreted incorrectly as they never spoke of it again, Hnbin groans and drags a hand over his face, he hadn’t even told the boy that it was okay and that they- he wasn’t mad. No, what had he done? He’d suggested the maknae join Donghyuk in the gym and then the subject was dropped. It was dropped when Hanbin instead should have talked to Chanwoo about it and his reasoning behind it. The more he thinks about it, the more he realizes how much he expects people to just understand him right away, like Jiwon, or Jinhwan. But Chanwoo isn’t them, Chanwoo hasn’t known him for as long and they haven’t been able to get as close as Hanbin wants because of their position as leader and maknae.

 

Lost in his thought he barely notices when Yunhyeong approaches him but he does notice when he snaps his fingers in front of Hanbin’s face to get his attention, “Hanbin-ah,” he sighs deeply and looks at the leader disappointingly and in that moment Hanbin is very aware of the fact that Yunhyeong is older than him.

 

“You should really go and talk to Chanwoo, he’s not crying anymore,” to Hanbin, the logical thing would be to look relieved at the fact that Chanwoo isn’t crying anymore, but Yunhyeong looks anything but. In fact, he looks more troubled than he did when Chanwoo was crying, and that worries Hanbin.

 

“Alright,” he says a bit hesitantly and stands up from his seat, Yunhyeong puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezes, “don’t be mad at him,” is all that he says before he’s walking away and Hanbin wonders what the hell he’s gotten himself into.

 

When he gets closer to Chanwoo he sees that the boy is now sitting up and looking a bit more awake, although his face is swollen and his cheeks still have dried tear marks. Donghyuk looks up as Hanbin approaches and gives Chanwoo a comforting smile before patting his cheek, “it’ll be alright,” he whispers and Hanbin assumes he’s not supposed to hear it so he pretends he doesn’t, he’s a little shocked when Donghyuk barely spares him a glance when walking away and Hanbin can only think that he must have really fucked up for Donghyuk to be mad at him.

 

“Chanwoo-yah,” Hanbin says as soon as the others seem to be out of ears reach and Chanwoo looks up at him, albeit a little hesitantly, “can I sit?” Hanbin gestures to the chair pulled up to the sofa and Chanwoo nods quietly and pulls his blanket tighter to himself.

 

“So,” Hanbin begins, “let’s just beat around the bush. Something is obviously going on with you, other than the passing out, and...frankly, I’m worried,” Chanwoo stares at him with his big doe eyes and Hanbin hopes it’s his imagination when he sees the shine in those eyes.

 

“Hyung, I’m really sorry,” Chanwoo repeats from earlier and Hanbin does his best not to seem annoyed with the younger, “sorry for what? Passing out? That was unfortunate but it’s not like it’s entirely your fault, and besides, what’s done is done,” he retorts and Chanwoo tilts his head in confusion, “you’re not...angry with me?” Hanbin feels his jaw slack in shock and he shakes his head forcefully.

 

“Did you think I was gonna be?” he questions timidly, almost afraid of the answer, and hi fears are confirmed when Chanwoo nods shyly. “Why,” is all he says because he really doesn’t know why, has he treated the younger so badly that he thinks he would be mad at him for passing out from exhaustion?

 

“You don’t like me very much,” is what the maknae utters and Hanbin has to pinch his thigh to make sure he’s hearing this right because he doesn’t like him? That’s the dumbest thing he’s ever heard, he likes Chanwoo a lot, maybe too much. If he didn’t he wouldn’t be so adamant about protecting him from anti-fans or making sure that he practices the moves and his voice to perfection. So how can the younger boy assume that he doesn’t care?

 

“I-uh-what,” he has not intelligent words to say and Chanwoo shrugs slightly, “it’s okay, really. You don’t have to like me, hyung,” he mumbles sadly and Hanbin leans forward without a second thought to grab Chanwoo’s hand, “I do like you,” he finds himself replying but rather than happy, Chanwoo’s face turn even sadder. “You don’t have to lie to me,” he says and Hanbin squeezes his hand, “I’m not,” he states loudly and Chanwoo blinks at him in confusion.

 

“I know I haven’t been the... nicest, but I like you a lot Chanwoo,” Hanbin knows how stupid it sounds to say out loud but he can’t think of any other way to put it, “don’t you...hate me?” Chanwoo questions and Hanbin thinks that this just can’t be true, he can’t be hearing this. One of his own members, his friend, his brother, his maknae- believing that Hanbin hates him? No this just can’t be true.

 

“Chanwoo-yah,” Hanbin is at loss for words and he feels his eyes begin to burn as he looks at the boy in front of him, mind and body broken and so, so tired, no he certaninly does not hate him. “I could never hate you, I know I wasn’t very nice to you that one practice and I have no excuse for that, hyung is really sorry, and I know I scold you a lot but I only do it because I know you’ll learn from it, I don’t do it because it’s fun,” he can’t believe he even has to explain this to the boy but here they are. But Chanwoo doesn’t look very comforted.

 

“What about changing my part in the song, or telling me to work out with Donghyuk hyung?” he begins before letting go of Hanbin’s hand and crossing his arms, “was I so fat that you couldn’t even bear to work out with me?” he questions and Hanbin just wants to take him into his arms and tell him he’s wrong, tell him that he’s never been more wrong but he’s pretty sure that would earn him a punch to the jaw.

 

“And then when I was eating and you were staring at me, was it so disgusting to see me eat? With all the fat on me?” he’s getting heated up and Hanbin feels sick to his stomach with everything that’s he’s hearing. “Or that time my voice cracked on live tv and you looked so disappointed with me, I know you were, I was disappointed with myself, but you didn’t have to make it so obvious!” he feels a tear slip down his cheek but he barely makes an effort to wipe it away as he continues to rant.

 

“Or that interview!” he practically shouts but pauses when he sees Junhwe’s head pop in from the corridor, eyebrows raised in question but when he sees how they’re sitting he lets it go, as long as no one’s throwing punches there’s no use in him getting involved.

 

“Did you agree with what she said?” Chanwoo suddenly questions timidly, so different from his raised voice only seconds ago and Hanbin wants to grab his hand again, to have some sort of physical connection so that he can convey his thoughts better.

 

“No! God no, Chanwoo, she was a straight up bitch, but...the interview was important and leaving a bad impression could potentially affect YG’s relationship with the company so we had to play it safe,” he says and sees the way the younger’s brain is moving a thousand thoughts per second.

“Hyung is so sorry Chanwoo--yah, if I had had any idea of how my behavior has been affecting you I would have talked to you a lot sooner so we could have sorted this out. And about the whole Donghyuk thing, I only suggested you go with him because I thought you would be more comfortable that way. And I-” he almost chokes up as he thinks about the younger boy thinking that he’d been disgusted with him for eating.

 

“I was never disgusted with you, never. I was only staring because I realized your portion was smaller than usual and I was worried about you. And same with the performance, I was worried for your throat but also for your mind because I know how you like to get hung up on certain things that only hurt you further,” this time a single tear makes its way down Hanbin’s cheek and Chanwoo immediately reaches out to wipe it away but stops mid-air because this is Hanbin, his leader who he less than ten minutes ago thought hated him.

 

Thankfully he doesn’t have to make the decision all by himself because Hanbin reaches forward and laces their fingers together, “I could never hate you, Chanwoo” Hanbin whispers and carefully leans closer to Chanwoo, “I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes and that we really need to talk more about this, but I think we should head to the hospital to get that head checked,” Chanwoo nods in agreement because now that he hears it his head is pounding a bit more than it did before.

 

“Yeah, that sounds good,” he mumbles and Hanbin gives him a careful smile, still a little worried about how the younger feels around him, “don’t think this conversation is over though, we’re gonna talk about this a lot, and with the others as well, because we both obviously have some problems that we need to fix in order for this friendship to work,” Hanbin states in a tone full of leadership and Chanwoo nods and gives him a small smile, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows but he knows that it’ll get better with time, now that everything is out in the open.

 

It won’t be easy, but when is anything ever?  

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! <3  
> Please leave a comment and tell me what you thought :)


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